SNAP OUT OF IT!

Staying awake is not a concept that I’m overly familiar with. For the first 42 years of my career, I woke up for work at 3:30 in the morning. For the past 3 years the alarm has been going off at 2:20. I haven’t, necessarily, reset the alarm. It just seems to go off earlier as I get older. Thank goodness I plan to stop working in a couple of years……I’d hate to have the alarm start going off before I even get into bed.

I don’t have to worry about being awake on the way to work. I know the route like the back of my hand, so that’s a pretty opportune time to grab a quick 20 minute “power nap.”

I’ve said, for years, that I can do my job “with my eyes closed,” so that’s a good 8 hours to try and catch up on nearly a half a century of sleep deprived living. Unfortunately, by the time I get home and have lunch, I’m wide awake and can’t fall asleep. Of course, that could have something to do with it being FRIGGIN’ NOON! By the time I start to feel my eyes getting a little heavy and I yawn a couple of dozen times in the space of - oh - a minute, it’s time for carpool or, if my wife is home to take care of that, “The Goldbergs” and “Soupy Sales” on JLTV, “The Chosen Network.” Heaven forbid I should miss them - literally. It is written! I think it’s in Genesis…..“and the Lord said unto the children of Israel - Thou shalt not snub Molly Goldberg lest your eyes fall out!” I, for one, am not taking any chances. I have grown a quite attached to my eyes!

By then, it’s time for dinner and, knowing that the alarm will be going off again in a few short hours, bed. So, I eat, walk the dog and crawl into bed. It is now about 7ish and time for “The Daily Show,” which, I believe, is also mentioned in Genesis right after the Goldbergs reference, It says “……and The Daily Show, you should live so long for it to make it to TV? That too!” - Yes, G-d sounds Jewish!

I believe this lifestyle was preordained by my family DNA. My great grandfather used to sit up all night translating entire books. Yiddish to English, English to Hebrew, Yiddish to Russian, which seemed to be quite an exercise in futility. What Jew back then wanted to go TO Russia? My grandfather had trouble sleeping and stayed up all night READING books. He was probably trying to figure out what the hell all those translations said. My dad, who, by the way, was no relation to my grandfather and great grandfather - they were my mom’s family and she can’t sleep either - would stay up and watch TV and “nosh.” He figured that watching TV was a lot easier than reading or translating. Besides, reading made him sleepy. He certainly didn’t want to screw up the flow. My brother doesn’t sleep well either. I have no clue what he does while he’s awake. Neither does he but he’s a clinical psychologist and he can tell you why.

My thought is this: My entire family has been running on very little or no sleep for generations and I am no exception. So…..I’m gonna get paid. Granted, it isn’t very much. “Slave labor” isn’t the career choice it used to be and the “BIG” paychecks are no longer part of the deal. I’m just looking forward to the day that I can fully retire so I can truly “retire” for a full night. No alarm……no job to go to at “stoopid’ o ‘ clock” in the morning…….no more discombobulated hours. Of course, then I probably won’t be able to sleep!