'SCUSE ME WHILE I KISS THIS GUY

One of the biggest misconceptions is that there is a bathroom on the right. We all know that the bathroom is usually on the left - well, sometimes the Ladies room is on the left and the Mens room is on the right, but, I digress - which is something I often do when I'm.....oops, sorry. We mishear song lyrics all the time and what we hear often fails to make sense while it totally ruins the image the poor songwriter was trying to project. Although, “there's a bathroom on the right” does more sense logically than “there's a bad moon on the rise.” How could John Fogarty have known if the moon was having a bad day? But, if he had to find a bathroom and it was on his right, he has a tangible argument. Mishearing lyrics goes back a long way for me. When I was 10 years old, I remember hearing a song on the radio from this controversial young singer named Elvis Presley. I swear to this day that what I heard was “I'm in love – Amawshika.” I had no idea what “amawshika” meant or was, but, by golly, that's what I heard and I was sticking to it......even though the title of the song was “All ShookUp.” Remember the Ray Charles song “Unchain My Heart” with that classic line - "Don't care if you do 'cause it's understood, you ain't got no money you dress in your boots?" In “Fire & Rain” - James Taylor complained that he “found my jeans in pieces on the ground” and made an editorial comment about the elements, calling them “obscene fire and obscene rain.” Who can forget how upset “the Reverend Blue Jeans” was when “Craklin' Rosie peed on the on the floor?” Even during the holidays we're not immune - “We wish you a Merry Christmas, now bring me some friggin' pudding” and the apparent English translation for “Feliz Navidad” which seems to be “Police nabbed your dad.” Poor pop....and during the holidays! Then there's my favorite, which epitomizes the oxymoron - “Peace on earth and mercy mild - Goddamn sinners reconciled.” If nothing else, it's a pretty powerful statement! Sometimes a misheard lyric can anger people. Animal lovers were aghast when they heard Freddy Mercury singing “kicking your cat all over the place.” At other times the lyrics can be just what the doctor ordered if you're having a bad day. Like Donald Fagan said - “The Cuervo Gold, the pine cone ruffian, make tonight a wonderful thing.” The tequila part is easy. Pick some up at your nearest schnapps shop. As for the pine cone ruffian – you could probably waste the whole evening trying to figure out what it is, let alone where to find one. The night being a wonderful thing concept has now been completely blown to smithereens. Even the impossible has been explored when Stevie Nicks sang, “Just like a one-winged dove......” It certainly invokes an interesting image of that poor dove flying around in circles. The issue effects all genres from Classic Rock - Leon Russell sang: “Like a rubber neck giraffe you look into my pants....Well baby you're just too blind to see – to Country – who can forget that Glen Campbell classic where he sang about a “wine stoned cowboy” - to Broadway – Remember that great lyric in “The Sound of Music,” “So long, farewell, our feet all say goodbye?” - to the standards, like when Dean Martin sang, “When the moon hits your eyes Like a big piece of pie......Have some more eggs.” The problem is undeniable and it's massive. We've been mishearing lyrics for as long as people have been writing them. So rather than take any more of your valuable time trying to understand this seemingly never ending malady, I'll just completely misquote The Jonas Brothers and say, “Until the next time you lick me in the eyes – I'll just say goodnight and goodbye!”