FOLLOW ME NOWHERE

A word to the wise should suffice – If you ever find yourself lost, do not look to me to be your “north star.” When I walk out of a store, I generally can't find my car. I have no sense of direction whatsoever and often find myself sobbing in frustration because I can't find my way from where I am to where I want to be. It's a good thing I wasn't Moses. The Children of Israel could well have become known as the Children of Idaho. If you tell me to go two blocks and turn “east,” I could very easily wind up driving into the sea. I think this was why I found it so amusing when, while driving a well rehearsed and memorized route, I got diverted by an accident in an intersection that was key to my getting home. I was directed to take the street to the left as a detour. How hard could it be? Logic told me that I would take the left, go to my first right, turn, find the next right and be back to my original street. Unfortunately, logic doesn't always prevail. I took the left and went straight. There was no right turn and I ended up at a dead end. As I made a u-turn to find a right turn (which would have been a left if I was still going the other way), I couldn't help but notice that there was now a line of traffic following me. “Boy, are THEY screwed,” I thought, as I took the right that used to be a left and found myself even more confused. Now, what? As I drove, I saw a street on the left and a street on the right. Which one should I take? Logic hadn't worked before, what made me think it would possibly be of any help now? I turned right and so did the caravan that I had amassed while lost in a very lovely neighborhood with a whole bunch of winding streets that seemed to go nowhere and now had a parade, of sorts, going through it. I almost wanted to get out and join the spectators. It took about 15 minutes to find my way out of the maze and back to the road that I knew would take me home. As I made it to the light, I saw the guy in the car behind me, shaking his fist. My mind heard Moe, of the Three Stooges, saying “Why you....” but, I'm certain he was a bit saltier. I wondered how many of the others felt the same way. I never told them to follow me. I made the turn back to the street I knew, praying that there would be no other little glitches that could get me lost before I made it home. Thank goodness there weren't. It could have made for a very tense three minutes. THAT'S HOW I FEEL....................................................WHAT CAN I TELL YA'

PUNNY FUN

I was recently watching an episode of The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show, which, I should explain to you younger folk, is an ancient TV show that used an almost archaic concept that was once referred to as “being funny.” Most of the laughs went to Gracie, whose character was defined by her wit, double-talk and use of sharp puns. I love a good pun.Samuel Johnson once called the pun “The lowest form of humor,” which, by the way, he spelled with two u's, making the word itself hilarious. He also said - “A man is in general better pleased when he has a good dinner upon his table, than when his wife talks Greek." So, we know how much stock to place in anything ever said by Samuel Johnson. The pun is wordplay that suggests multiple meanings of words, or of similar-sounding words, for an intended laugh. It takes much more thought and a better vocabulary to deliver a pun than it does to toss a banana peel on the floor and wait for the same effect. The biggest difference being that the pun will illicit more of a groan and the banana peel should bring a heartier guffaw as the intended victim is being hauled off by the paramedics. When William joined the army he dreaded hearing the phrase 'fire at will' is, possibly, the perfect example of both. We laugh at the double meaning of the word “will” as it relates to William's name and we laugh, once again, as the paramedics carry him off after the entire platoon fired at him. A homographic pun uses a word that has a number of meanings - “I call my printer Bob Marley because it's always Jammin'” A homophonic pun uses similar sounding words - “The Nature Preserve is an eagle opportunity employer.” There are so many different types of puns – The compound pun, animal puns. Whether your pun is one word or an entire sentence, the result is meant to be humorous - leading to funny puns. Since the pun is the lowest form of wit, the last thing we can have is a “good pun” because then, it becomes an oxymoron and that's a whole new conversation. THAT'S HOW I FEEL.......................................WHAT CAN I TELL YA'