AHA........UH OH

I've always heard that “necessity” was the mother of invention. That's why I began to wonder, aloud in a few cases, just what the necessity was that prompted some of the concoctions that have been popping up in my line of sight lately. While perusing an airline shopping magazine on a recent flight, I noticed a gadget that allows you to use your smart phone underwater. The first and, I might add, the only thought that popped into my head was, “I suppose if you need a GPS to get to the other side of the pool, it might come in handy, but, other than that why, on earth, would anyone want to bring their phone under water?” Maybe to watch “Jaws” from the sharks perspective? I decided to see if I could find more inventions that had absolutely no practical use and the results were staggering. I thought I'd share a few. I found Twitter toilet paper: It's sold in packs of 4 for $35 and you can choose between your own tweets or someone else's. Look – you get to read while you're on the john and, when you're done, make a statement that, ideally, no one will ever know about. How about Princess Leia Headphone Covers: For all the die-hard 'Star Wars' fans out there, now you can look more like Princess Leia than ever. You can also use your headphones to drown out the sound of the Death Star destroying Leia's home planet of Alderaan. Although, to the uninitiated, it may appear as though you are wearing hairy cinnamon buns on your ears......you may have some 'splainin' to do. Then, there's the Solar Baseball Cap: Chances are the best way to keep cool is NOT to mount a solar panel on top of your head and a plastic fan directly in front of your face. I guess it's the thought that counts. Love the taste of bacon, but cholesterol issues keeping you away? Try bacon flavored wax dental floss. You'll go hog wild for THIS meaty piece of idiocy. These and myriad others are everywhere. So you see, necessity isn't really the mother of invention after all. In fact, I'm convinced that the only TRUE Mother of Invention that can't be contested was Frank Zappa! THAT'S HOW I FEEL................WHAT CAN I TELL YA'

GAS

Remember the old days, when you went to the gas station to fill-up so that your car would get you to a restaurant where you could...”fill up?” At the gas station, a guy would walk up to your car and ask if what you needed. He would pump the gas, check the oil and wiper fluid and, if need be, pull your car into the garage and fix whatever was wrong with it. He would then hand you a bunch of S&H Green Stamps that you would put into books until you saved enough for new dishes. Some places even cut out the middle man and just gave you the dishes. Then you would pull into the restaurant, park, go inside, be seated, waited on and fed. Pretty good deal.. Things got a little easier when fast food restaurants started to pop up everywhere. How easy was that? After you pull into the gas station and pump your own gas while neglecting to check the oil and wiper fluid, you drive a short distance, find a building where you see a clown's nose to speak into, order your food, pull up to the next window, get your food and drive home.....or eat in the car. Your choice. There isn't a whole lot that's easier to do then talk into a clown's nose and drive forward a few feet. Things have now, however, gotten even less complicated. Now, when you pump your own gas, neglect the fluid checks and go into the former garage turned convenience store, you can also buy dinner for your family. Many of the aforementioned fast food establishments have re-established themselves inside gas stations. So now, you can fill your car with gas, go inside and fill your body with gas. “Honey, I'm gonna go fill up the car, want some chicken?” would have made no sense at all not that long ago. Now they give you choices, inside and out. So many questions. Should I pump regular or high test? Do I want Taco Bell or Godfather's Pizza? Do I want to buy some exorbitantly over priced food to prepare at home or stand in a line for the next twenty minutes to buy a lottery ticket when I could actually save time by just throwing a couple of dollars into the trash can on the way out? And, what the hell are S&H Green Stamps? You used to “Look for the man with the bright, red Texaco Star” when you needed gas. Now, the sign will have a picture of a chihuahua and a Kentucky Colonel.And we wonder why there's so much confusion in the world. THAT'S HOW I FEEL...........WHAT CAN I TELL YA'

FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD

Remember the last time you opened the fridge only to find something on the back of the shelf that was “some shade of green?” The experience begs a couple of questions: Can you identify it? Oh, it doesn't have to be a very accurate identification, ball park estimate is OK. Can you imagine ever being so hungry that you might be tempted to get past the smell and the appearance and go right for whatever nutrition value might be left? A small addendum to that question could be – Is there enough money in the world to even attempt to find that left over nutrition? You know the stuff – cheese that starts out yellow, but, inevitably ends up green. Milk that smells like it was bottled in a sulfer mine. A sandwich that looks like a small community has taken up residence on it's once doughy surface and, of course, that mystery meat that you are sure started out breathing, but, has now taken on a life of it's own. The thought was prompted by a story I read about a Utah man who was cleaning out his closet and found a bulge in the pocket of one of his coats. When he reached in, which in itself may not have been the wisest thing to do, he found, of all things, a hamburger. A hamburger that was bought in 1999 for 79 cents. I'm sure his first thought must have been, “Hey is that a hamburger in my pocket, or am I just really happy to see the coat again?” It was mummified and, by the looks of it, far more appetizing than much of what comes off fast food grilles these days. It had dried to the point that no self respecting bacterium could live in it. Initially, for kicks, he put it on e-bay where the price got up to around $2,000. He didn't sell it. Then a radio station contacted the guy and offered him $5,000 so that one of their interns could microwave it and eat it at some station promotion – hopefully, the opening of a new stomach pumping clinic or something along those lines. He declined all offers and has put the burger in a tin that he keeps on his kitchen counter, although, at those prices he may want to consider a bank vault. I haven't cleaned out my fridge for quite some time. It appears I'm long over due. I'm relatively sure that what I have been assuming was spinach is something far more adventurous. I'm going to get on this right away. Not because I'm necessarily hungry, but, because this story taught me that out there in the ether world of e-bay, there are people who will buy, pretty much, anything and I'd like to replace the spinach with some nice, cool cabbage! THAT'S HOW I FEEL.........WHAT CAN I TELL YA'