THE POSTCARD

I’m not sure if it was the perfect irony, a brilliantly crafted plan or the result of psychic phenomena, but I got a strange bit of mail recently. It was a couple of days after I got out of the hospital after turning blue again. I have a tendency of doing that every so often. I think it averages out to about once every year and a quarter. The doctors still can’t pinpoint the problem, but we may have it narrowed down to some outside stimuli interacting with my daily meds causing what some professionals might call: bad juju. At least that’s the diagnosis from my wife, who we lovingly refer to as Dr. Mom, so, you see, it’s coming from a very reliable and trustworthy source. The mail came in an envelope that stated, in bold letters: “Free Pre-Paid Cremation! Details Inside.” On the inside of the envelope was a postcard, of sorts. It said that I could get a $300 reimbursement on my cremation service, free grave space (which is not very much if you’re cremated. A small hole should do it.), a free granite or marble headstone or bronze marker (not very big in conjunction with the size of the hole.) and spouse benefits, whatever they may be. Then came the kicker on this side of the card: “Cemetery Space is Limited”…whoa, I know we are getting older, but, if this is true, we must be dropping like flies., I’d like to know how they knew I was a veteran and had just come home from another leg of the “Bob Leonard Blue Tour.” Does someone hang out at hospitals, looking for older looking guys in Vietnam Veteran hats? Hey, it’s not that farfetched. Look at New York City. There must be at least a thousand stories in the Naked City about people who pick up the paper and head straight to the obits so they can find a rent-controlled apartment. When you think about it, it’s deviantly brilliant. Jerry Seinfeld even did an episode about it. I can hear the guy now as he calls his boss: “Hey, we got a live one, Manny. I’ll get his name and address to you but you better get the stuff in the mail to him pretty quickly……He’s blue.” I had the info within two days. I probably would have gotten it even sooner, but, on the first day, my daughter’s car was parked within 15 feet of the mailbox and we didn’t get a delivery, but that’s a story for better left for another time. I can’t really put too much credence into the psychic phenomenon theory. If someone is THAT psychic, they’re time would probably be better spent helping the police solve crimes. That would certainly make a better TV show than a psychic who knows, through some strange, unexplainable happenstance, that a Vietnam Veteran is getting older and then uses that power sell whatever it is they were trying to sell. Honestly, I’ve searched the card on the front and back and can’t find anything for sale. Everything seems to be free. On the back of the card, towards the end of all this free stuff, it says, again in bold letters: “Return the Reply Slip TODAY.” This is where I make the conscious decision to go with the irony theory. I’d hate to think that in a case like this, someone knows something I don’t.