I YAM WHAT I YAM

For his recent birthday, my brother's sons gave him a DNA test (he IS their father), which required him to spit into a cup and then, send said cup to a lab somewhere so they could determine just where he came from. He sent me the results since, as his brother, I have the same DNA (I am NOT the father) and I am fascinated by what I am reading. The tests told me any number of things that I was already fully aware of. I am a 93.8% Ashkenazi Jew who has ancestry in Europe. I've heard the stories my whole life. How Zeide (which means “grandfather” even though he was my maternal great-grandfather) came down from the woods of the Ukraine where he probably chopped down trees, to Yekatrinaslav, which is now known as Dnipropetrovsk in the Ukraine and met his wife, who we only knew as Bubbe, while working at her family's lumber yard. The turn of the century (1800's to 1900's) was not a particularly fun time to be a Jew in that part of the Ukraine. People were beginning to rise up against the Tsar. Many were killed, hundreds were wounded and there were anti-semitic attacks coming from both sides. Between the Cossacks and the Ukrainian people, Jews had to watch their backs and their fronts. It was time to leave and they did. It's the stuff I didn't know that captivated me. The lineage of both of my parents was traced to Eastern Africa. 2% of my DNA traces back to the Near East to people who eventually became Native Americans. Common ancestors left the Near East 50,000 years ago, migrating across Asia. These ancestors of Native Americans began to cross into the Americas 12,000 to 15,000 years ago. My father's line was traced back 18,000 years to the sub-group “J2,” in the regions of Southern Europe, Near East and Northern Africa. My mother's line goes back 35,000 years to the sub group “RO” in the regions of Near East, northern Africa and Western Eurasia. This sub group is populated with Saudi Arabs, Yemeni Jews, Bedouins. I have relatives named Levine, Levy, Horowitz, Greenberg, Goldberg, Cohen, Goldstein, Friedman, Klein, Weinstein and Miller and they are concentrated in New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, Florida (there's a surprise), Russia, Israel and a few holdovers in the Ukraine – in other words, I'm related to Jews. The test also gives me some very valuable information about my health management. It shows me what my risks are for certain diseases, how I will respond to different drugs, my traits and my inherited conditions. For instance, according to this particular test, I have a very low risk of being diabetic, which certainly proves that I've always been a bit of a rebel. I am also at an elevated risk for narcolepsy, so, please forgive me if I nod out mid-sentence. I suppose this one is relatively obvious, but, An estimated 2.8% of my DNA (higher than the average) is from Neanderthals. I guess that explains the eyebrows and the nose. The DNA has informed me that I can taste bitter things, I am lactose tolerant, I have brown eyes and wet ear wax. I really didn't need a test to tell me those things, but, at least now, when I bite into a leaf of chicory and spit it out, I'll know why. I was also informed that the odds of my urine smelling bad when I eat asparagus is “typical” as are my chances to live to be 100. I also am at higher risk to contract tuberculosis, so I suppose I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the French men Albert Calmette and Camille Guérin, who invented the vaccine that, pretty much eradicated the disease. Whew! There is so much information in this report to study and disseminate that I found it would benefit me to stop for a few minutes and grab a bite. It seems that one of my more pronounced traits is that I get hungry around lunchtime. I showed the report to my wife who, when she saw the part about my lineage tracing back to Eastern Africa, responded, “Ahhh, THAT explains it!”